Denounced (Exalted Trilogy: Book 2) Page 6

  Ryker’s eyes drop to my lips and then dart back up to my eyes. He moves even closer to me, bringing his face down to meet mine. His cheek touches mine as he whispers, “Yeah, I know, but if you love me in return, we’ll figure it out . . .“ Ryker moves his face back so that he can once again look into my eyes when he asks, “So, do you love me, Mena?” His voice moves across my face and lips like liquid.

  I want to say yes to him, but then again I don’t. I do love him, but I know that I can’t be with him so I shouldn’t encourage these feelings for either of us. I need to tell him no, but I can’t. I can’t! “Ryker, there’s nothing to figure out. I made my choice and I have to suffer the consequences . . . So, what’s next on the schedule for today?” I have spent many weeks perfecting my acting skills. If I can fool Dr. Fredericks and everyone else in the Republic into thinking I’m still on the Pump, then I can surely fool Ryker into believing I am a woman without a need for love.

  Ryker looks utterly defeated by my change of subject and lack of response to his inquiry. He moves away from me, and I catch myself swaying forward to keep him near me. “I have to document this,” he says, his tone flat. He points to the fire. “When I’m finished we can eat lunch. We’re supposed to be scouting for the rest of the day and then report back if we find any other villages. They mark them on their maps. I’ve been taking them out one at a time. It’s a terrible job, but better me than someone else.” Ryker is all business now as he speaks to me. He reaches into a pocket on the leg of his pants, and pulls out a stubby pencil and a folded map. It’s similar to the one he handed the man just a little while ago. When he’s done documenting, he stuffs the paper back into his pocket and sulks off into the woods, back toward our transportation.

  I wait a few minutes to give him some space and so that I, myself, might try to recover. My heart is still absent from my chest, and I don’t believe it’s going to return any time soon. Eventually, I follow, and as I walk through the thick brush that tears at my already marked up ankles, I wonder how I can live the rest of my life being United to Ethan when I love someone else. I’ll have to learn to love Ethan. I’ll have to act like Ryker is acting now, when he and I are together. I’ll make our relationship purely about work. I can do this. I can fight these feelings of affection. I’ll just hang on to these exaggerated feelings of betrayal that I feel for him now. I remind myself that he didn’t tell me the whole truth. He lied to my parents. He lied to me. Yes, I am mad!

  Good. Now, I can focus on why I’m here. Dr. Fredericks chose me to work for him. What better position could I be in? Ryker and I will work together to solve this—and that’s all.

  Oh, no. I duck behind a tree to be sick for the second time today.

  ***

  Ryker is waiting for me when I finally emerge from the forest. He tosses a ball of foil toward me without looking. My Exalted reflexes allow me to catch it with no problem. I unwrap the packaging to find a grilled chicken breast on a whole-wheat bun topped with spinach, tomatoes, and carrots. It appears to be the same thing he is eating. “Thanks,” I mumble as I sit down with my back against one of the 4-wheeler’s tires.

  The sandwich is flavorful and removes the acidic taste from my mouth. I am grateful that my partner packed it for me. I only wish I didn’t have to eat with someone that just professed his love for me—especially when I had nothing to say in return. In addition to that awkwardness, I just finished vomiting. He must know.

  Ryker hands me a bottle of water, clears his throat, and then asks, “Ever wonder where things like that come from?” He points to the shiny foil that’s wrapped around the bottom of my sandwich.

  I carefully look over it, and then look up at my partner. “Not really,” I admit. “Isn’t it just leftover stuff from before the war?”

  “Perhaps,” he answers with a shrug. “But what about all the computers and this 4-wheeler?” He taps the top of the handlebars. “How do you think they’re all still working, and how do we have gas to run them?” He throws questions at me for which I have no answers.

  “I don’t know,” I answer embarrassed. Ryker is asking questions that I’ve never thought of—that I never would’ve thought of. “They’ve always been around so I never thought about it.”

  “Or is it that we’re programmed not to question it? And what about out here? It’s not as bad as they make it out to be in school, is it? It’s like they want us to know we couldn’t live out here even if we wanted to. I’ve seen the damage from bombs and deserts that appear out of nowhere, but I’ve never seen flash fires or any of that other stuff.”

  “No, I never saw any of that while out on my Third Trial. So, what are you thinking?” I ask my insightful partner. I have to keep calling him my partner. It will help.

  Ryker drops down off the back of the vehicle and slides down next to me. His proximity to me is physically painful. I’m starting to think having emotions is not so great. Feeling like you’re suffocating when you’re next to someone is not enjoyable in the least. He’s my partner—that is all . . .

  My partner answers, “I’m not sure. I mean, the world is huge and we can’t be the only two groups of people left besides marauders and a handful of villagers. I’ve seen things on maps in the Capitol, but only in passing. We need to get our hands on them, see what’s really on them.”

  “I saw a map once. It was marked with tiny, colored dots, almost like population densities. Is getting to these maps even possible? There are Exalted guards posted at the doors and in Dr. Fredericks’ office, and I’m sure they’re not the only ones,” I say while trying to conceive an effective plan. Maybe we can sneak in at night. Will he have alarms or guards posted at night?

  “We don’t need to get into his office. The maps are kept in the Ambassador Library. Exalted aren’t allowed in. It’s for Ambassadors only. I’ve seen them carrying stacks of papers in and out. Surely some of these were maps.” As Ryker takes a bite of his sandwich, I can see the wheels turning in his head. My wheels are turning too. Getting into a library will be much easier than Dr. Fredericks’ office.

  When my partner finishes chewing, he says, “Look, do you think you can put your feelings aside for now? I don’t mean that you can’t take your time to figure out what you are feeling—I just need you to help me with this. And I know that’s why you came back, to find out answers.”

  “Yes, that is why I came back. I do want to know why this is happening to our people. I want to figure out a way to stop it. So yes, I’ll do whatever I have to do,” I say with confidence. It feels good to have a purpose other than being someone’s guard-dog.

  We spend the rest of the day driving around on the 4-wheeler, scouting out new villages or lone marauders.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  I walk into the trainee cafeteria at the end of the day. Ethan, Val, and Kwan are all sitting together when I join them. As I eat, I look between Val and Kwan and wonder if she’ll tell him our secret. Then I look at Ethan and can only think about Ryker. No. He’s my partner. Maybe being with Ethan is the right thing for me in the end. Is it so bad being someone’s prize? We are good friends. And it’s not like he doesn’t like me—he does—it’s just that he would’ve accepted whichever girl had finished first . . . because she finished first.

  “What did you do today, Mena?” Ethan asks.

  I almost screw up my face in response to his question and then think better of it. Exalted trainees are all around me. My odd expression would stand out amongst the rigid faces like one of the tower lights shining on an intruder. I need to get back into the practice of hiding my expressions again. If someone saw me have a physical emotional response, it would be the end of me.

  Before I can answer, Val says, “She’s not allowed to tell us.” Val is such a good friend. I don’t deserve her.

  “Is that true?” Ethan looks at me with a blank face, but now I can tell that he’s suspicious by the way his eyebrows barely lift when he asks the question.

  Along with not being able to tell Ethan
about my job, I can’t tell him about Ryker. I’m apprehensive of what his actions would be if he knew. After all, his parting words to Ryker during our Third Trial were, “If I ever lay eyes on you again, I will kill you.” His words had a ring of truth when he spoke them.

  “Yes, it’s true,” I quickly answer and then look away. I feel ashamed even though, technically, my answer is true. Dr. Fredericks warned me not to tell anyone about what my job entails.

  “Val told me that since you made a first place ranking, Dr. Fredericks made you a personal guard. Garret will be honored. What about you, Ethan, what is your new position?” Kwan asks, only because he’s on the Pump and doesn’t realize how insensitive he is being. I can only imagine that Ethan feels bested . . . by me. With his core values still being that of the Republic and the Exalted ways, he probably thinks he should have a similar or better position. After all, I only received first place because of Kinah’s relegation.

  Thankfully, Ethan keeps his face clear of any emotional upset to Kwan’s remarks and answers, “My position is the same as before. I patrol at the North Gate.”

  His answer makes me instantly wonder if he saw us. Ryker and I did leave from the north this morning. Is that why he questioned me about what I did today? No. We were too far out. There’s no way he could’ve seen us. Is there?

  I stare at him and he stares at me. We’re trying to read each other’s minds, but of course we don’t have that ability.

  I concentrate so hard on his face that I almost don’t hear him when he asks, “Mena, will you go for a walk with me? I need to discuss a few things with you.”

  My eyes instantly dart to the door of the cafeteria. An escape. I hurriedly focus back on Ethan. I open my mouth to reply . . . I find that I’m suddenly scared of him. Not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense. I’ve had enough uncomfortable conversations for one day. I don’t want another one.

  I focus back on Ethan, remembering that I need to develop feelings associated with spending a lifetime with him. Romantic affection needs to develop in my heart. But I know it will take time, so, I should accept his invitation . . . He’s waiting for me to answer him. Kwan is staring at me as well. Val is quiet. I think she’s trying not to laugh.

  “Okay? I mean, yes. Let’s go.” I reluctantly agree.

  The citizen by the exit inspects our empty trays to make sure we’ve eaten everything. Once we’re released, we quietly walk down the hall. The familiar sound of my boots clicking on the ground keeps me from running away to my magnolia tree. I haven’t been to see it since I returned. It’s always been a good place to collect my thoughts. Alone.

  Perhaps I will give it a visit after this walk with Ethan.

  Outside, the sky is dark, lit only by a sliver of the moon . . . That is exactly how my heart feels. An organ. How is that so?

  Ethan leads me away from the trainee building, toward the wall between the East and South Gates. He only stops once he’s standing next to the stone barrier.

  Here we go . . .

  “How are you?” he asks.

  “In what sense?” I reply.

  “How are you feeling physically?”

  I know he is asking about the withdrawals from getting off the Pump and not about my injuries from the Third Trial. Exalted war wounds make us stronger, thus they are good in a sense. “Not too bad,” I begin. “It’s not like it was coming off the Pump the first time. Everything is happening faster and it’s a little less intense,” an honest answer to his question.

  Ethan puffs up his muscular torso and stands a little taller. He crosses his arms over his broad chest. “Tell me about this new position. Why did he pick you?” he demands.

  “I told you, I can’t tell you anything. Dr. Fredericks told me that directly.”

  “We’re going to be United. You can tell me everything. It’s okay.” His blue eyes soften as he tries to loosen my lips.

  “I can’t tell you this. I’m sorry, Ethan.”

  Not taking no for an answer, he continues pushing. Sweet Ethan is gone in a flash and is replaced by his strong will. “Why are you keeping it from me? I thought we were friends.”

  I’m getting uncomfortable. He’s making it hard for me to imagine us together.

  Ethan’s determination to return to the Republic and continue with the way things are has already made me suspicious of him. Now he’s jealous over my job here? It’s insane. I know he’s not jealous because he wants to be the one to bring this place down. He simply wants the entire honor associated with his first place ranking. Ethan is my friend and we did share a gentle kiss once, but I can’t help wondering when the time will come when he turns me in. If he knows I’m threatening the very society, which he wants to be part of, won’t he try to stop me? Will his affection for me overrule that decision?

  I’m not sure.

  I mold my body into the strong Exalted stance; I set my jaw, and project a stern glare. Even though Ethan is bigger than me, he backs up a little. “Don’t use that against me. We are friends, but I can’t tell you everything, not when Dr. Fredericks demands my secrecy.”

  “I’ll find out eventually,” he states, and then turns and storms off into the night, leaving me alone.

  And that is how I feel—alone. I don’t know where Ethan’s loyalties lie, Ryker is forbidden to me, and then there’s Val. I know she’s pretty much forgiven me, but can I forgive myself for keeping something so big from her? And even though it was for less than a week, I’d grown so used to having Lily at my heels. I miss her. Ryker will have to take me to see her soon. I want to see for myself that she’s safe.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  On the morning of the routine physicals, I wake up early. My stomach is in knots. I take a quick shower to wash away the sweat that plagued me through the night. When I dress in my all black clothes, I think about the blue cotton dresses that Francis, a kind marauder that helped Lily and myself during the Third Trial, gave to us. I think about all the bright colors in the Capitol building. That’s what life should be about. Color. Life. Happiness. Not this. Not heartache. Not lies.

  Val rolls out of bed with a smile plastered on her face. The side effects of getting off the Pump have passed and she’s experiencing everything in a new way. I notice that she has a nice smile, and her bright, white teeth stand out against her caramel skin.

  She greets me with, “Good morning.” She stretches her long legs out in front of her, and then tries to tame her wild, short hair. But she stops suddenly when she notices my ashen expression. “What’s wrong?”

  I answer, “The physicals are this morning.”

  “Oh, that’s right. Ryker never did tell you what to do, did he?”

  “He said he knows a medical citizen that will switch out the samples. But a citizen? I don’t know if I can trust that.” I answer as I bend down to tie my bootlaces. My hands are shaking. I take a deep breath to try and stop my jitters, but it doesn’t work. Somebody is going to see me like this and turn me in. The medical citizen that performs my physical will surely notice. The thought of getting found out makes my hands shake worse.

  “If my fate rested in a citizen’s hands, I would be worried too,” Val admits. “I’m sorry. Ryker seemed like an okay guy, maybe he really does have it all worked out.”

  I shrug. “Maybe. But it’s hard to trust him after what he did. Hey Val, if something happens to me, please keep an eye on my parents. I’m sure they’ll be demoted as punishment for my actions—or worse. And if you see Ryker, make sure he takes good care of Lily.”

  “Of course, Mena, but nothing’s going to happen. You’ll be okay.”

  I stand to leave. “Thanks Val. You’re a good friend. And again, I really am sorry for keeping secrets from you.” I open the door before she has time to say anything else. I mutter over my shoulder, “Look, I want to go and get this over with if that’s okay with you. I’m too nervous to wait another second.”

  “Yeah. I’ll see you in the cafeteria. May strength be with you,” Val o
ffers me the customary Exalted salutation, which now sounds strange to my ears because I now know that it’s not all about strength.

  “Thanks,” I say as I shut the door behind me.

  In the hallways, there are a few other girls making their way to the physicals. I focus on the tapping of their feet as I fight my nerves. I count each click of their shoes. One. Two. Three. Four . . . I follow the feet as I blindly walk. Black boots. Tap. Tap. Door open. Door closed. Feet. Another Door . . . Thirty-two. Thirty-three.

  Before I know it, I’m entering the exam room for my physical, which will now include blood work. I force my body to become rigid as I walk into the room. I don’t make eye contact with the medical citizen because we aren’t meant to talk to one another unless necessary. My face is blank, my sweating has stopped, and the organ in my chest slows to an acceptable rhythm. I continue to count in my head, though there are no longer shoes to keep a rhythm.

  “Clothes off,” the blonde woman instructs. This woman is familiar. She has given me many physicals and tended to my injuries in the past. Today, she’s wearing a white top and pants with no shape to them—the same as always. Her nose is long and straight, and she has steel blue eyes that are completely empty.

  I follow her instructions and remove my shirt and pants so that she can measure my body fat. So far nothing seems amiss. Maybe Ryker’s plan will work. I start to smile, but stop myself.

  The woman startles me by saying, “What’s wrong with your face? Are you ill?”

  “Muscle spasm,” I coolly answer. I hope I didn’t ruin things for myself, and I hope she can’t sense the increase of my heart rate. Slow down, I urge it.